原来是这般撕裂的痛。

Someday, perhaps a good 50 years later, I would want to travel the world to go star-gazing and indulge in the breathtaking view of northen lights.

And all of that, we would do so in each other's company.

Clearly no longer in your life anymore, and yours and yours and yours too.

Isn't it?

I know, I know, the viral K-Pop wave is coming to a close in Singapore and it is indeed dying down. Not as many people are as into it as they were compared to the peak season of the K-Pop wave's golden years. There is also only a handful bunch left that I know of who are still K-Pop crazy. 

For me, the one and only band that makes me tick is BIGBANG. 

I do listen to other Korean groups (Jackson Wang!!!) and soloists but the one who really live at the bottom of my heart throughout is BIGBANG (and may I also include some other YG artists like 2NE1, EPIK HIGH).

I have to disclaim that I wasn't a BIGBANG fan right from the beginning. I detested them when I was first introduced to them with their collab song with 2NE1, Lollipop (wy you were the one!) 'cos they looked like a weird bunch with distasteful outfits for their MV. And.... I liked SS501 too much at that time that I couldn't accept a group that differed so much from them. 

What changed me initially was Taeyang's solo- Wedding Dress. 

However, Taeyang's solo only made me notice Taeyang as a single member of the group and I didn't really listened to their group's songs.

The song that made me noticed that and subsequently fell deep in love with is Tell Me Goodbye. As someone who learns the piano, I was taken away by how soulful the melody was played out on a instrument that I was so ever familiar with. It shook me badly, I couldn't forget the song for days, weeks and may I so proudly say now, years to come.

Since then, I went on to every song that was ever published by the group. But oh well, the Taeyang's glamour from Wedding Dress crowned him for a really long period and he was my bias in the group then. And with that, I overlooked a lot of other efforts the other members and producers, especially dearest G-Dragon, that was put in to the making and production of the songs.
I listened to a lot of their songs, but without depth. Not until G-Dragon's songs truly captured my heart.

It was only until finding out more about G-Dragon and his life stories that I da

介意的程度, 我负荷不了。

要不, 还是放弃好了。

如果你的心因为过往的伤痛受伤, 有裂痕了, 那我要把我的整个心送给你, 好让你重新完整。

爱何其所能, 也只不过想把一切美好的事物送给对方, 想把一切隐藏的好分享给心上人。

因为对方的快乐就是自己的。

爱不伟大, 因为只是在做自己心甘情愿想做的事。

"My ring finger's been waitin', been waitin'.

Been waitin' for you to slip on that band of metal with an encrusted stone; that marks a promise and beginning of what they call 'forever together'.

Through thick and thin, poor or rich, health or sick, we're binded, we're binded. We're binded (and blinded) by our emotions and feelings for each other, we're connected at heart and by the horizontal hula.

When we're old, and our kids grow, all we have left is not health or wealth but our other half. Long gone is the glowing complexion of youth; what remains is the gleeming promise of you and I, will never die."

23rd March 2015 marked the passing of our most significant and hardworking founders, Sir Lee Kuan Yew. 

 My own generation didn't get to see for ourselves what he has done for the nation and we defintely did not take part in the early building and planning of the nation. Yet, here we are, the most blessed generation to be savouring the fruits of our founders' labours. 

While all of these prosperity did not come by easy, we often take for granted what we have. To us, the constant supply of electricty and water seems like a staple, it will always be there. However, in some other countries, even an hour's supply of electricity or a bucket of clean water is a luxury to have. 

I do hope that anyone reading this or any other tribute post to Sir Lee Kuan Yew would take a minute to reflect and appreciate what our founding fathers have dedicated to ensure a bright and relatively easier path for their future generations. With his passing, a lot came to mind and I felt that it is time for me to share a bit of the luxury that I did not work hard for to the more unprivileged.

In my friends' and my own accord, we will be donating a sum of money (unsure of the exact amount at the moment) to World Vision, an organisation dedicated to building a better and more humane lifestyle for those in the Third World countries. Other than sharing the luxury that we own with them, it is also a simple gesture of commemorating Sir Lee Kuan Yew's contribution and dedication to what we have today. 

I've never felt so much sorrow towards the passing of a founding father and Sir Lee Kuan Yew is definitely the first and last only figure who will have such a great impact on me. His legacy, his commitment in striving to build and achieve the best for his people, his spirit in making our people become independent as a sole nation are all a lifelong inspiration for me. It also deeply touches me to know how Singapore has never once left his mind. And till the very last day of his ability to do so, he was still doing it without a moment of hesitation.

The clean water, seemingly unlimited supply of electricity, clean and pest-free concrete jungle, the foreign big brands that are easily available for us to get our electrical appliances or even shopping..... There's countless of things that he has done to let us live in such comfort nowadays.
I know that there is an increasing number of young Singaporeans who are getting more angst against the government and even hate on Sir Lee Kuan Yew because they feel that his policies are not good enough...... for THEMSELVES. I too cannot agree with some of the policies such as the high COE and HDB housing prices. But at the end of the day, I see how the government has done its best to ensure that the poor, old and disabled are duly taken care of. They too are striving to be better and I think they have not done such a bad job. I only want to tell this group of people who are so ungrateful and turn to blaming the government for not being able to meet their wants to work harder. Our society works by meritocracy. I believe that if you have the brains and brawns to pick out the loopholes in the system, you can likewise do the same for your studies and/or work. You've been given a granted opportunity to a top-level education system so if you can make the effort to put so much hate into the government's policies, why not you first excel in life so that you can have a chance to be a politician and change our lives the way you want it to (and without us hating on YOUR policies).

Sir Lee Kuan Yew had been an exceptional man combined with wisdom, guts and a patriotic heart, a man unprecedented in a long long time to come. Singapore would never have come so far without his foresight and guidance. Naysayers, especially you, would not even get the chance to express your negative comments online or anywhere had he not made every single one of us literate. So, before you even criticise him and celebrate his passing, be thankful for the high standard of living he has brought to us, which he used an unknown amount of blood, sweat and tears to exchange for. Bunch of ingrates! It makes me feel ashamed to even have to type out all of this here for you.



Lastly, I would like to thank you Sir, for all that you've done for us to ensure that we have a higher standard of living as compared to what you used to live in. You have put up a strong fight for us from Day 1 till your very last, to ensure that we can hold our own fort and that we do not get bullied and looked down on by other bigger countries with an abundant supply of resources. We may not have all of those but thank you for viewing Singaporeans as our nation's most important resource and for building and strengthening our foundations so that we get to even type any online tribute for you.  We are small but we will not fall thanks to your daily hard work. You've sacrificed all that you could and I'm sure that given a second chance, you would still have chose to fought for us without any reservations nor regrets. After a lifetime of nation-building, please do rest in peace with your beloved. You will continue to live in our hearts though, and admist the beautiful greenery that you have insisted to integrate into our concrete environment.

I wish you everlasting happiness with Mrs Lee in your afterlife.

Thank you, Sir. 

It hurts, it hurts, you are seen but you are not heard.

It hurts, it hurts, you are known but you are not understood.

It hurts, it hurts, you are grinning but they can't hear the whine within.

It hurts, it hurts, beacuse you care but you no longer fucking want to. 

For the longest of time, I hid this side of me away, deeply buried and I thought I wouldn't have to face it.

It's not until the recent days of the start of my new job did I realised that as long as it is in me, I would still have to face it, no matter how long or how deep I stash it away. 

And as Jolly, Ele and the bf pointed out time and again, I'm always afraid to ask strangers questions (eg. road directions, etc). 

I too am afraid to stand up and speak up for myself, rather I always do so in written text (perfect example at this moment). 

Subconciously, I've been showing this side of me in many ways, but I hadn't even realised that they all attribute to my inferiority complex...... I always thought that I'm a bright extrovert who can integrate into any environment any time. 

That is so, until I start my new job, I have a hard time trying to speak to others and mingle with them. It's not their fault, but it's my lack of confidence that is affecting me. They aren't a unfriendly bunch, definitely from a different culture and environment but not people who are cocky and stuck up. 

I have no idea that I could turn out like this because in the past, I have no major problems whatsoever when it comes to socialising with people (except a few months of hiccup during my poly days). Most of the time, I'm the one who talks the most and make friends easily, the other social butterfly in the clique.

A little way back into my history......
Back in primary school, I was teased at and made fun of of my ugly short hair, my body that was growing sideways more than in length, and for having far-away-from-pretty features. 

Yet, my self-esteem wasn't destructed. I didn't feel that I was inferior to others because I truly didn't take all of the teasing to heart. I remained positive and still had good relationship with all my friends. However, as the only child in the family, I still feel very much lonely when I'm at home by myself.

Not long after, secondary school life finally dawned on me. I didn't had a pleasant start. Everyone seemed to shun away from me. I was overly friendly and outgoing and it scared many of them away. Luckily (or well, only half the luck) that I had a few primary school peers in the same class with me, so I had familiar people whom I could hang around with. However, I still got teased at, for my voice, my figure, my hair, etc.....

And you know how most girly crushes will start to develop at this stage of life.
I had my (more than) fair share of mine and I actually had the guts to unabashedly confess to two of them. Come to think of it, I really admire my own guts too. Of course, I got rejected and well, from being the person who couldn't hide any secrets about herself, my crushes were let known to many people. It gave them a hold over me, the negative people I mean, and well, this is such a big thing to have in school and I didn't get teased at lesser......

That's when my confidence begin to plummet, after one another rejection. I really start to think that I'm not as good as what I think I am to be. I didn't start immediately to tone down my behavior though, and I too didn't wanted badly to change anything about my appearance. I was (and still am) a complex individual. After being upset, I comforted myself that eventually someone will love me for who I am, that my prince on his white horse has just yet to arrive.

All of these unsettled emotions stayed with me till poly. I was still outgoing, I was still cheerful but sub-conciously I become more and more mindful of my appearance. On and off, I still hear some rude remarks here and there. I still didn't take it to heart very much but then I was slightly affected. I also faced my last rejection in poly, and in between, there were a few tough months when I felt extremly lonely. It was also that few tough months when I turned to GD to seek for consolation in his hyped songs and started my exercise journey with Unnie.

I felt good exercising and feel the difference that it made to my body. I felt fitter, stronger and I felt that I was slowly building up my confidence.
GD also helped to sculpt me a lot to make me ignore how people would judge me,  he was my motivation all the time. But that feeling of loneliness didn't fade away. Sometimes, I feel like I did all of what I did to become stronger just so that I could spite those people who looked down at me before, and not for the sake of my own well-being.

Nowadays, I've learnt better to embrace myself and my physical flaws. I am much more comfortable in my big-sized body. Much credit goes to having a bf who loves food as much as I do and accepted me for who I am. Despite all, I still lack confidence in facing strangers. It's just that feeling of the probability of being judged and self-consciousness working its devil on me.

The start of my new job is definitely tough in the sense that I do not know how to blend in with the team, yet. But this is my dream job too and I cannot wait to shed the shell weighing on me and become a little crazier and active like in those eventful secondary school days. Throughout all these years, I've definitely changed and toned down a lot, I bottle a lot more things to myself and became quieter, even socially awkward these days.

I do not want to be hiding this side of me anymore. Instead, I want to grow out of it. It's a part of me that affects me negatively a lot of times, it makes me unhappy at times, and it is a painful thing to live with. I cannot guarantee that I will be confident from now on but I will slowly learn to.

I don't know how many of you out there feels the same way as I do but if you are, let's grow out of this together. It won't be an easy feat and it will take a hell lot of time but we will grow up together!
Stay strong and keep the faith.
We are doing this together and you are not alone.
And here's a bit of inspirational story to get you going.

Elle Interview With CL

Fighting! 

Is it even legal that you can make me fall in love with you all over again each day?

4 days late but better late than never.

Thank you for spoiling me with your love.

We missed out on our supposed Valentine's last year but thank you for giving me all of your love this year.

Can never ever thank you (and fate) enough for being here with me.

It still feels like a miracle to me at times how you are just right there in front of me, talking, laughing etc.

There are definitely rougher waves to sail through ahead of us, but I'm not afraid of them.

And here's my promise to live and drown with you.

To better times ahead.

Love,

Wifey

So much to explore, so much to venture into. 

I'm never constant and I'm still seeking what will suit me, for a long long time.

So many dreams that I want to pursue, to go after. 

Endless hobbies, endless interests.

Will I ever stop? 

Will never ever forget how B got hurt and bled today because of me.

Frittered my afternoon and night away watching Running Man. Got bored as the show starts to load really slow and starts lagging so here I am doing some blogging. (Found a faster way to upload photos from phone so yes, I can finally let the photos do the talking!)

Met up with Ele on Monday and had Kbbq~!

Waiting time = Selfie time

Hello All!

Today marks the start of a brand new year and it also marks the start of many new beginnings for me!

My contract officially ended yesterday, 31 Dec 2014 so I'm jobless now.

Haha. Nah, I do have plans in mind!

With Aunty Ann and Ah Yap.



With Kristin.



With Sunan.



With Kali.



With Leynah.



With Jolly and Lisa.



With Jingyi.



Noel's last day too!



With da Big Bad Wolf.



With Shahrin.



With Vinaya.



With Michelle.



With the most important Jolly.



The Team, but missing out Chris, Teresa, Jordan and Paul.











Lunch at Arab Street afterwards with Sharan and Jordan too ~

Grateful to all the colleagues who have given me so much love throughout my not-long-yet-not-short journey in MSD.

Thank you for all of your well wishes! (:

I will miss each of you but I will definitely meet up with all of you! 

Haha, I don't have a lot of emotional thoughts to post up here 'cos I have already dedicated a letter to each of them and oh well, I will miss them but it's not the end of our friendship so no really hurt or sad feelings! ^^

After work, Jolly, bf and I went to my first and most awesome countdown party ever!

Okay actually to me, the awesome part only came in after Big Bang turns up the atmosphere on stage!



Jolly and I on our way~

We had waited soooooooooo long (more than four hours) before they finally appeared on stage.

Ever since my first concert experience at GD's OOAK World Tour, I was blown away.

He is extremely professional yet manages to have fun in his show.

It's just different to experience his performances live instead of just admiring it from your own gadget.

I just had to attend any performances that GD was gonna be in after my first experience!

So there I was yesterday enjoying Big Bang's show.

It didn't felt like a Mediacorp countdown event anymore!

They turned the stage to a Big Bang owned concert instantaneously.

I totally forgot that they are just one of the many artistes who performed last night!

The sad part was the three of us ended up in a not-so-Big-Bang-siao crowd during the first half of their performance, so only the two of us (Jolly and I) were shouting, singing to their songs and dancing earnestly amongst them. Luckily no one really gave us judging stares although they must have did so inside their hearts.

I just don't have really good feelings towards people who don't love them that much, but yet try to pretend to be a fan and record their performances.

Are you going to post to insta later and act like you were excited about it?

Please don't so fake okay!

 Haha.

But the second half was more fun 'cos we went back to our own seats and all the Big Bang fans were there and they were genuinely enthusiastic about it so screaming and getting high along with them was fun!

Poor bf who was not a fan quietly sat down and watch though. ):

But at least he didn't pretend to be a fan.

Haha!

K la, no extreme hard feelings towards those who aren't really a fan of theirs yet recorded their performances.

I hope you guys did enjoy their show though and maybe join us V.I.Ps!

Thanks Big Bang for coming down to SG to countdown with us!

I don't know if you will feel this way but it must have been better if you guys could have spent it at home back in Korea with your loved ones! But you have each other too!

I hope you guys had a good time making us V.I.Ps happy with your great performance too!

And.... thank you to Jolly for being such an enthusiastic fan and going cray with me.

Thank you too for patiently queuing while I go pick up my bf!

So lucky to have met you!

Last, but not least thank you to the bf who silently accompanied me to queue, carry my heavy bagpack, sit through the show with me and watch me while I watch Big Bang...... without any complaints!

Thank you, hehe you most shuai in my heart okay!! 

I hope that all my family and friends will have it better in 2015.

2014 hasn't been most nice but thank you for all the good times and thank you even more for riding it out with me during the bad ones.

 We will continue to create happy memories in this new year!

Have fun and stay healthy! 

Love,

Marjorie