You and Me, We Ride or Die Tonight: May 2013

Basketful of Flowers

By Marj - May 21, 2013

Credits: @weheartit.com - http://whrt.it/10gWRJZ, Tumblr

When I sit here in the office in front of my laptop I really wonder at times how come I'm wasting my time here.

First day of work I went with a burning fire to be an excellent intern in the company but as days went by, things, people totally discouraged me.

Most importantly I got a growing eager heart to pursue what I want.

It distracts me from having to complete my priorities first. ):

I hate to waste time but I really have nothing to do cos my manger and supervisor are too nice to let us focus on our major project and they are currently both not in the office to allocate stuff for us to do.

Anyway, I read back my old blog posts and realised how this little space has kept so much of my memories and milestones in life.

I actually feel disgusted at myself when I read back the very old posts and to read what I've actually wrote when I was young and immature.

The bad style of typing, the craziness and all the stupid drama, I got turned off by myself. Haha.

I still got a lot of shit, bloody drama going on in life but I guess I can at the very least type it out in proper words instead of all the childish gibberish I typed in the past.

But I won't delete them la.

'Cos it'a record of the changes that happened to me over the years.

Just glad and contented that I'm no longer like that.

Sigh.

Intenship's been depressing 'cos it further proved me that I really lost my ability to communicate with new people.

I didn't know what to say, the right time to open my mouth to say something or to laugh or to ask any questions.

I didn't know how to act, the right timing to leave etc.

I don't understand how the hell I could simply talk to anyone about anything in the past.

I really lost all my skills and abilities.

Which, it is a pity for me.

I do love interacting with people and talk to them and feel happy being talkative.

Now, I can't.

Guess some stuffs did change me a lot.

The biggest thing that I fear (I guess) is that when I open up and get to know better all these new people and when I get close to them, someday they will hurt me.

And I really feel tired mentally and physically thinking of how to communicate with new people.

It's like I feel like no one would bother to try and understand how I really felt or who I really am.

My background, my past, my stories, my life, it's like no one would ever want to know anything about them 'cos it's not really interesting.

I think I do have a weird character in the first place too so it takes some time to figure out and understand how I really am like ba.

Ugh, all these talk about being socially awkward makes me miss my friends so much.

It's effortless to talk to people whom you know.

Despite all these, I guess I will still try my best to talk to the other interns in the company.

Afterall, I still have about 3 months here.

I can't possibly lament everyday about how socially awkward I've become and wait for people to take the initiative to approach me while I do nothing at all.

Then I'll be those whiney people who hates life and people for not having the things that they want 'cos they don't even wanna try in the first place.

Nope. Not gonna blame if I don't make the first steps myself!

Well, but if I DID try and everything fails, idc I'm just gonna whine about it okay.

Hope things will get better!

(:

Song I'm in love with right now. From the soundtrack of Vampire Diaries, Season 1.