Being apart from you is the hardest thing to endure, ever. I miss you constantly and you fill my mind and heart every single second. I don't know that you can miss someone so much. It is just so difficult to explain how much I want to see you all the time, and how not being able to always kills a little part of me inside.

I can see you 4 times a week and still can't get enough of you.

I can listen to your voice everyday and still think that it is not enough.

I selfishly want all of you for myself.

You are already mine but I can't help but still want more.

Create more happy moments together, laugh more with you, learn with you, grow with you, try out new things with you.

I guess the effects of being so immensely in love is being too emotional.

I love you so much till I lose some of my reasoning, I go crazy at times when I can't see you.

I unreasonably feel that all of you, including your time and freedom should be mine.

Well, no relationship is going to work out with such an unhealthy trend.

There should be times together, but there should be times that we go do our own things; for absence makes the heart grow fonder.

It still kills me to miss you so much, I don't know if I can live on if you were going to be gone forever, I guess I can only want to join you in wherever you are headed to.

Even to the ends of the world, even to the afterlife.

It is impossible though, to stick to you every single moment.

But it only makes me appreciate more whatever time I have with you.

Even if it is just for a minute, your presence can still help to overflow my heart with joy.

While I still miss you a lot when you are not by my side, I will learn that it is not forever, that I will get to see you again soon enough.

And that while you are not physically here, I always have you in my heart and you have me in yours too.

Your wifey would slowly learn to be a better other half for you. 

I'm always filled with uncontrollable emotions for you but all these emotions should not blind my rational thinking and to be understanding towards you. 

Love should be both selfish and selfless at the same time.

I can selfishly want all of you, yet selflessly give in to you and put your priorities over mine.

Let's continue this journey with a better light and no more hurtful words to each other.

I know that you will never let go of my hand and I promise I will never give up on you either.

There's a eternity long for both of us, are you ready to go on?

Forever is awaiting.

With, this post, it will mark my 365th entry on this blog.

And in a year there are 365 days, so it means that my blog has been a year old now?

LOL. #lamereasoning

So in this "year" I have been through a lot.

Recorded some of my life milestones here, reflections, thoughts, emotions.

Throughout my journey, I have met a lot of new people, learnt how to be a better person, and understand better the intentions and thoughts of the people around me whom I cherish dearly.

Today, I find that I have been making a lot of mistakes in life, wrong decisions, wrong attitude, wrong approaches.

All these mistakes made have hurt my loved ones, and it is not healthy for any of  our relationships.

To start off, I feel that I have been failing a lot in my role to everyone.

My role as a daughter, as Nick's girlfriend, Felicia's best friend, every one else's friend, as an employee....

All of these roles, I haven't done one up to expectations or fulfil the basic duties to each party.

First of all, I have very poor time management. Other people are working, and they are serving multiple roles as well, where their responsiblities are even heavier than mine. Some are mothers to 2 kids, other colleagues have heavier and more strategic tasks to complete, while my tasks at work is relatively simpler and more routined as compared to theirs.

Taking my mum as an example is good enough too. She has to work, do some housework early in the morning before she sets off for work, return home to do more housework, buy groceries and necessities for the family at times and even continue her work till late at night on some days as well. If I have a lot of things that I still can't even complete now, then why is my mum able to do so despite her busy schedule?

Secondly, I feel that I'm not understanding enough and at times I don't sufficiently put myself into others' perspective and think from their POV. Like for Nick, there were quite a few incidents where I let him down by not taking him into consideration. I only cared about my instant gratification but I didn't take one step further to realise that it would have implicated our dating plans. However on the other hand, he thought of me first before doing anything. (That, I really appreciate a lot my love!)

Also, there were a lot of times when I put him into a difficult situation or inconvenienced him because I wanted it and I felt that he should oblige. However I failed to think for him that how inconvenient it would be or that he might get into trouble because of my one stubborn request.
I admit that I'm quite a possesive girlfriend and really, if I could, I would want to see him 24/7. Haha. One day apart feels like an eternity long. Hahaha. No, but it is really very unbearable to be away from him for  long. Sigh.
I think sometimes that sense of possession is too strong that I became less understanding. I know it isn't a very good method of expressing my love so I'm changing.
I love you baby and your happiness is above mine. 

Missed typing and writing essays. I used to dread it when Ms Tan gave us too much writing to complete but now I wish I had more than one essay to write every day. Not writing on a frequent basis has made me more stupid as I had stopped thinking as much as when I was tasked to write something out logically and base my arguments on facts and write them out sequentially so that my essay had a nice flow to it and it made sense. Well, guess I would be writing on different things as and when I can from now on. 

Anyway, this thought came to me while I was chatting with the boyf and I asked him what if I die one day? (I know it is kind of dramatic to ask this kinda question but then again I have always been the girl who's afraid of dying yet contemplated suicide thoughts. And there's no harm asking? You never know if you had needed a practical plan prepared for you loved ones for your after-death, right?)

We talked quite a bit about it and then this question was raised in my head, but I haven't asked him yet hahah. And well if you are curious about his answer to the above question, nope not gonna share it here! Or anywhere else for the matter of fact.

Even way before when we got together, I felt that my love for him is soooooo immense that it was way out of expectations and control. I never loved someone so deeply before???

To me, this question has an instantaneous answer, I didn't even have to think for a split second but definitely love over bread.

To be more precise, this love over bread. Not any other one's love. (And to be specific, the love in this topic refers to only your significant other, doesn't includes family and friends.)

After being with him, I feel quite disgusted at the thought of being loved by someone else or vice versa.

 I cannot imagine someone else holding my hands, going out on dates with me and going through all the ups and downs in my life with me.

It just feels weird and out of place if it's someone else, it wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be amazing to go through all that with another person.

Given my character, it is quite impossible for me to choose bread over love. I am the hopeless romantic who will never understand why anyone would want to betray love for money or for food to survive.

Maybe I don't sound sane or practical at all here but without Nick, I don't think I would be able to live normally. Yes I would recover with time and yes I would get over it someday but one part of me, a huge part at that, would have died.

Let's not take too many factors and possibilities into account for this topic,else there will be endless answers to each situation. Let's only take it that you have been starving for days together with your significant other and now there are two choices for you:

1) You stay true to your love till the day you die of starvation.

2) You get food but from then on, you can never see your significant other for the rest of your life, no contact, no news of him whatsoever. 

I had wanted to put the scenario as what if you and your significant other had only a few bucks left and you could only choose between a job and him.

But then under the most primal situations will you get to see the true colours of the person as well as his most accurate thoughts. 

No doubt, talk is easy.
Even if you choose Option 1 now, when the real situation happens, how many of you can stay true to what you have said today? Maybe by then the pain of starvation has tortured you so much and all you only wanted was to survive.

However, I still stand my foot firm by Option 1. Even if I get to survive, I would spend days after days crying over the loss of my love. My phone had a glitch once which made me thought that it was the end of us. Even though it was a misunderstanding, the pain, hurt and sadness had been real (prior to clarification). All of those feelings had been so tremendous till I felt like there was nothing left in the world. 

I didn't know what to think or what to do, I could only focus on the loss. I swear my heart felt like it was going to break anytime and my heart had actually hurt a lot. 

I had read a scientific article once where they say you could die from a heartbreak due to whatever scientific reasons and I thought I was close to it. I don't think starvation would have been as painful as that.
I would rather starve and stay true to my own heart, to our relationship and the love we have. To the rest of the world, our love might mean nothing and as you are reading, you might even think that I'm foolish, childish and hopelessly in love. But ever since the day we have embarked on this journey together, our lives have changed. I am no longer my own priority. 

He comes first. He has everything to do with my living, the Midas touch to making everything in my world amazing and wonderful. 

It is just quite impossible to choose anything else over him.
Nothing in this world can be a bigger temptation or becomes a greater happiness other than him.
If I don't have him with me, I'd rather be nothing.
Even if you give me the whole world and all the riches in this world, get to have everything and anything that I ask for, it will be pointless if he isn't there.

No enough amount of words can ever express fully how I feel towards Nick.
My feelings are sometimes so overwhelming that I didn't know that I can have so much of them.

And I will always love you my dear.
My answer will always be the same.