It's strange how I'm blogging right now with a straight face.

I'm with a classmate right now and we're all doing our own stuffs but still it is still weird for me to be typing vigorously away when both of us are supposed to be studying about the same thing. 

But well, before I get home and shed everything I've been covering up on my face, I've been keeping and struggling to keep everything in since the day started.

It didn't struck me as hard last night because I was sleepy and all that sadness registered in my head in a smaller scale.

But this morning after I freshened up and my brain start wiring, all the words keep flooding back. Things both of us said, did, shared.

It all felt like a big lie that I'm living in.

I couldn't keep my emotions under check properly. 

It felt so unbearable I thought of skipping school but apparently, every attendance count and I've to be present at a project meeting. 

And when I see my other dearest friends, it was even more intolerable.

I really really wanted to just hug my best friend and cry but I couldn't.

I didn't want to ruin her mood for the celebration afterwards (which very luckily I'm not going).

The rest of the day was control and control and a lot of self control taking place to keep hold of my emotions. 

I feel so bad of myself that I'm behaving like that.

I hate to put on masks in front of the mass.

And yet I did it today.

I fake smiles, laughters, concerns, jokes, happiness.

I lied about how I was really feeling underneath those masks.

It's a suffocating experience I haven't had in such a long while.

Today was bad.

I didn't know how to face you, I couldn't look at you straight in the eye.

Sorry for all that coldness but I guess it's hard  not to be cold when I saw your clear definition of me in your heart.

It's not the words that you say right in front of me that matters more, it's the ones that you say behind me that are more worthy of value because it's words that you couldn't have said in my face.

No matter what, our relationship is already strained. 

Maybe I won't show it in front of you but deep down, every moment spent with you, I'll be constantly reminding myself of everything that I did with you, at the end, in times of crisis, I wouldn't be the one you pick or turn to to share you problems and worries with.

I don't mind your problems weighing down on me when you share them because I believed we can find a solution together to your problems. 

Even if we can't, I believed that after you shared it with me, it could somehow make you feel much better, much relieved and that you have a best friend whom you can depend on for everything.

But no, you don't need me.

You still don't trust me enough.

I'm never good enough for you.

Which is true too.

I know I'm not the best person in your life, there are a lot of nicer, even better people out there.

Even you yourself are much nicer than me. 

So I guess I shouldn't be complaining that you don't regard me as important, right?

Yea because I don't deserve to.

It's extremely late now but by a twist of fate, I put hold on all the stuff I'm doing and I just had to get this out.

I'm assuming no one will read this soon? It's not like I'm any celebrity blogger or anyone would even frequent this space of mine.

I have a lot of friends, and a lot more best friends than one normally have.

Maybe the normal average people only have like what? 2 to 3?

Due to my outgoing nature, I have around 8 of them.

Which is quite a lot. 

Just like what one of my friends told me, this term "best friend" doesn't seem as significant any more when I have so many of them.

To me, they really are all my best friends. When I picture them, they stand in a circle because I couldn't rank them at all. 

Maybe I share different priorities with different best friends but still, each of them are special to me in my eyes, they are irreplaceable, I love each and every one of them. 

If I had to choose to save only one person out of all of them when they are in danger I would rather die with them than choose because they are all so important to me.

Maybe that becomes insignificant in your eyes, my best friends' eyes, but still I can't explain exactly how much I love each of them and how they really are so significant to me.

But reality had to slap me hard in the face today.

Because I realised that even though I see each of them as special, important, irreplaceable people, to them I am only insignificant.

It no longer matters how much I do, but even after everything I did, I still can't be a little more important to some of them.

I know, maybe some day some time I hurt any of you unknowingly but deep down I feel really bad and I really want to try to make up to each of you in my own way because I know I'm lacking a lot as a friend as well.

However, it doesn't help.

It doesn't help at all.

I'm still that unimportant after what I did.

I'm still the person you could reject any time you want.

I still couldn't give you as much happiness and joy someone else could. 

No matter what, when you're with me, things aren't still complete enough.

I'm just a close friend.

Prove me wrong my dear.

Tell me that everything that I've typed is wrong.

You know how I wish you could tell me that?

But honestly, both you and I know that it is true to a certain extent.

You still can't let go everything about yourself to me when I did.

I just couldn't qualify to reach that stage.

Maybe it sucks to have so many best friends.

Maybe I would have been better off with only one or two whom I really trust but no, each and every single best friend I've listed in my head gone through a lot with me. 

They passed through lots of hurdles and obstacles with me and I really thought they treated me like family and I do really thought of them as part of my own family too.

I guess some friendships aren't strong enough at the end of the day, and I'm not as important to each of them as well.

Well, that's reality for you dear Marj.

I think I'm one big stupid fool.

After going through lots of crying, hopeless days missing that one person, I eventually still didn't get a chance to see him.

Yet, I still love him very much.

Yes, love.

Love is a strong word.

Maybe for all the past crushes, it was just a strong liking and never love.

I used it too easily in the past but I'm not making the same mistake again.

That feeling is found at the softest part of your heart, you somehow can feel that part wriggling when it gets too tough to bear or when you feel extremely touched and warmed by a gesture. 

He made me found that hidden area I never felt before in my own body.

It feels amazing, magical and bubbly.

But more than often for the past year, that magical, bubbly feeling seldom appeared again.

More of it was replaced by bitterness and a lot of chill.

I tried hard at first, to keep the bubbly feeling going, but it really was too hard to maintain everyday and especially so after months and months of his disappearance.

And recently, I couldn't touch that softest part anymore.

It feels like it's gone, covered, buried.

Even with the warmest, most touching gestures, they didn't manage to scrape through the layer covering it. It just barely touched the very top of that layer. 

Just as bewildered you are reading this, I feel bewildered and puzzled by my own feelings too.

How can someone I never once talked to possibly did so much to me?

I'm also extremely confused if it's habit that I've grown used to or it really is love at times but well, other people made me realise what this feeling really was.

At the end of the day, there was only one person I cared most, one person I really want to be with.

Maybe, as time grew to pass, my love will falter in the passing of time, the one I would be with would be someone else. 

But now, right now, it's still him.

I wouldn't promise forever, but I'll give him my everything.