No matter how hard I try I'm just not good enough.
Not good enough to be your daughter.
No matter how much I try to please you, buying you all gifts and presents for occasions, my feelings and love get doubted time and again.
I just don't feel like trying already.
Even the man I love most in this world seems to be giving up on me already so can I just let myself spiral downwards?
It's just so painful being so emotional.
It hurts to feel.
I just don't want to live up to anyone's expectations, anyone's standards any more.
I try to make the people around me happy then all I got was sarcasm and judgement.
2012 let me down after all.
There seems like there isn't gonna be any good years ahead in front of me any more.
Year after year it just becomes more disappointing.
So what's there left to look forward to anyway?
It's rejection but how come just reading what you said can make me smile like nobody's business?
Silly guy, you know what? I just fell deeper, not going to give up on you just yet.
Tweeted my blog's link on Twitter bec everywhere I go I get questions like "Why you so emo on Twitter?"
I wanted my blog to be a low profile thing bec I want to still keep that bit of privacy and motivation for me to continue blogging about my deep inner thoughts.
But then since the people who are following me on Twitter are mostly people whom I don't mind reading my blog so I might as well clear all of your doubts and question marks here.
And well, you guys know I can never keep things silent about myself for long.
So basically, I'm proud that there aren't that many skeletons in my closet.
Though I don't really expect any one to notice that tweet either. I did it quietly. Much.
Anyway, I guess it's a new start!
At least we are friends now, we're talking properly.
As for face to face conversations, well, I've still got a long way to go!
But after all these positive thinking I can't help but feel upset still.
Guess it's normal. No one will not feel upset for stuffs like that.
I thought that I could really let go but this new start is really not helping;.
It just made me fell deeper.
Nonetheless that I feel so much relieved getting everything literally off my heart, but well, still that was a rejection I had to face.
Dilemma yknow, to go on knowing more about him, or just silently give up.
But we just agreed to being friends!
But then maybe he was just being nice so he agreed.
But then still, nevertheless he still agreed! He could have just said no then start to ignore like what some coward did in the past.
But then maybe he didn't want to look bad that's why he agreed.
There, all the vicious cycle going in my head for the whole day after that.
Some more everyone I talked to, every one gave a different opinion so I'm still much stuck with what to go ahead.
Or maybe, like what my blog url suggests, I should just stick to being myself.
Do what I feel is right and go ahead.
I already had that stupid courage so what's left now is just being friends.
It won't be that hard I believe!
The amazing thing I love about blogger, I always know what to do after I type out a chunky post.
Go Marj, it's your own happiness you're fighting for!
And to everyone else out there fighting for your own happiness,
hereby I give you my endless amount of courage.
JUST DO IT.
It's over. No more hope.
Heeartbeat racing like nobody's business.
Please, tonight's the only night I can deal with a blow.
I don't know if I can still endure all the sadness for other days.
Give me a miracle tonight.
Maybe you don't even want to give me a chance to tell you.
Come online tonight.
Let me say what I want to say.
Let me get this off my heart.
It's either all or nothing.
The best thing for me right now is to actually cry out loud.
There are just too much tears held back.
But now, I can't even tear, I no longer know how to cry.
More than often, I wonder if I can still open my eyes to greet morning's light.
If you've read my previous posts, I guess you know how preoccupied I am with death.
Especially with all the "End of the World" rumours going on.
Now, when the skies get a little too dark, when the lightning goes on relentlessly with fury, when the sound of rain seems to be knocking too hard on the window panes, I can't help but think if it's world's end at that moment already.
Then when there wasn't a huge rock come flying to Earth killing us all and everything restored its calmness, I thought of all the stuff that I hadn't got a chance to do yet before I die.
There are so many things that I want to do; I'm still young, there are so many days ahead in front of me.
But then what if all of us Earthlings just dropped dead together tomorrow?
Well, maybe it will be a good thing 'cos then none of us gets to fulfil what we wanted to do before we died.
But then what if I was the only one who couldn't get to see next day's sunlight?
I should treasure whatever I have now right?
But all I'm doing now is taking my own time for granted, taking myself for granted, taking the PEOPLE around me for granted.
Yea, despite all the fear about not being able to live tomorrow, I took everything for granted.
What do I do?
How, how should I live my life to the fullest every moment?
It's just so tiring to do so, fearing for every minute, fearing for your own health.
I just want to be happy without anything holding me back.
And I realised that much as I want to, when I'm happy, the fear surges immensely in my heart.
Sigh. I have no idea why too.
Well, till I'm enlightened about how to be happy, I guess we can do with some peaceful and nice music to kill away some of the fear in my heart.
There you go, Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift.
Someday, I will know how to be happy.
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