I think I'm one big stupid fool.

After going through lots of crying, hopeless days missing that one person, I eventually still didn't get a chance to see him.

Yet, I still love him very much.

Yes, love.

Love is a strong word.

Maybe for all the past crushes, it was just a strong liking and never love.

I used it too easily in the past but I'm not making the same mistake again.

That feeling is found at the softest part of your heart, you somehow can feel that part wriggling when it gets too tough to bear or when you feel extremely touched and warmed by a gesture. 

He made me found that hidden area I never felt before in my own body.

It feels amazing, magical and bubbly.

But more than often for the past year, that magical, bubbly feeling seldom appeared again.

More of it was replaced by bitterness and a lot of chill.

I tried hard at first, to keep the bubbly feeling going, but it really was too hard to maintain everyday and especially so after months and months of his disappearance.

And recently, I couldn't touch that softest part anymore.

It feels like it's gone, covered, buried.

Even with the warmest, most touching gestures, they didn't manage to scrape through the layer covering it. It just barely touched the very top of that layer. 

Just as bewildered you are reading this, I feel bewildered and puzzled by my own feelings too.

How can someone I never once talked to possibly did so much to me?

I'm also extremely confused if it's habit that I've grown used to or it really is love at times but well, other people made me realise what this feeling really was.

At the end of the day, there was only one person I cared most, one person I really want to be with.

Maybe, as time grew to pass, my love will falter in the passing of time, the one I would be with would be someone else. 

But now, right now, it's still him.

I wouldn't promise forever, but I'll give him my everything.