For the longest of time, I hid this side of me away, deeply buried and I thought I wouldn't have to face it.

It's not until the recent days of the start of my new job did I realised that as long as it is in me, I would still have to face it, no matter how long or how deep I stash it away. 

And as Jolly, Ele and the bf pointed out time and again, I'm always afraid to ask strangers questions (eg. road directions, etc). 

I too am afraid to stand up and speak up for myself, rather I always do so in written text (perfect example at this moment). 

Subconciously, I've been showing this side of me in many ways, but I hadn't even realised that they all attribute to my inferiority complex...... I always thought that I'm a bright extrovert who can integrate into any environment any time. 

That is so, until I start my new job, I have a hard time trying to speak to others and mingle with them. It's not their fault, but it's my lack of confidence that is affecting me. They aren't a unfriendly bunch, definitely from a different culture and environment but not people who are cocky and stuck up. 

I have no idea that I could turn out like this because in the past, I have no major problems whatsoever when it comes to socialising with people (except a few months of hiccup during my poly days). Most of the time, I'm the one who talks the most and make friends easily, the other social butterfly in the clique.

A little way back into my history......
Back in primary school, I was teased at and made fun of of my ugly short hair, my body that was growing sideways more than in length, and for having far-away-from-pretty features. 

Yet, my self-esteem wasn't destructed. I didn't feel that I was inferior to others because I truly didn't take all of the teasing to heart. I remained positive and still had good relationship with all my friends. However, as the only child in the family, I still feel very much lonely when I'm at home by myself.

Not long after, secondary school life finally dawned on me. I didn't had a pleasant start. Everyone seemed to shun away from me. I was overly friendly and outgoing and it scared many of them away. Luckily (or well, only half the luck) that I had a few primary school peers in the same class with me, so I had familiar people whom I could hang around with. However, I still got teased at, for my voice, my figure, my hair, etc.....

And you know how most girly crushes will start to develop at this stage of life.
I had my (more than) fair share of mine and I actually had the guts to unabashedly confess to two of them. Come to think of it, I really admire my own guts too. Of course, I got rejected and well, from being the person who couldn't hide any secrets about herself, my crushes were let known to many people. It gave them a hold over me, the negative people I mean, and well, this is such a big thing to have in school and I didn't get teased at lesser......

That's when my confidence begin to plummet, after one another rejection. I really start to think that I'm not as good as what I think I am to be. I didn't start immediately to tone down my behavior though, and I too didn't wanted badly to change anything about my appearance. I was (and still am) a complex individual. After being upset, I comforted myself that eventually someone will love me for who I am, that my prince on his white horse has just yet to arrive.

All of these unsettled emotions stayed with me till poly. I was still outgoing, I was still cheerful but sub-conciously I become more and more mindful of my appearance. On and off, I still hear some rude remarks here and there. I still didn't take it to heart very much but then I was slightly affected. I also faced my last rejection in poly, and in between, there were a few tough months when I felt extremly lonely. It was also that few tough months when I turned to GD to seek for consolation in his hyped songs and started my exercise journey with Unnie.

I felt good exercising and feel the difference that it made to my body. I felt fitter, stronger and I felt that I was slowly building up my confidence.
GD also helped to sculpt me a lot to make me ignore how people would judge me,  he was my motivation all the time. But that feeling of loneliness didn't fade away. Sometimes, I feel like I did all of what I did to become stronger just so that I could spite those people who looked down at me before, and not for the sake of my own well-being.

Nowadays, I've learnt better to embrace myself and my physical flaws. I am much more comfortable in my big-sized body. Much credit goes to having a bf who loves food as much as I do and accepted me for who I am. Despite all, I still lack confidence in facing strangers. It's just that feeling of the probability of being judged and self-consciousness working its devil on me.

The start of my new job is definitely tough in the sense that I do not know how to blend in with the team, yet. But this is my dream job too and I cannot wait to shed the shell weighing on me and become a little crazier and active like in those eventful secondary school days. Throughout all these years, I've definitely changed and toned down a lot, I bottle a lot more things to myself and became quieter, even socially awkward these days.

I do not want to be hiding this side of me anymore. Instead, I want to grow out of it. It's a part of me that affects me negatively a lot of times, it makes me unhappy at times, and it is a painful thing to live with. I cannot guarantee that I will be confident from now on but I will slowly learn to.

I don't know how many of you out there feels the same way as I do but if you are, let's grow out of this together. It won't be an easy feat and it will take a hell lot of time but we will grow up together!
Stay strong and keep the faith.
We are doing this together and you are not alone.
And here's a bit of inspirational story to get you going.

Elle Interview With CL

Fighting!